Thursday, July 28, 2011

Things get better slowly...

Of course, the outside circumstances haven't changed.  Much.  It's me that's starting to find my equilibrium again.  To remember all my positive thinking stuff and to be a cork, rising above the waves, as is my wont.

Work is still all riled up and crazy.  My boss has an all day meeting today so he won't be around to help at all (he's a combination supervisor/other technician so its a weird position).  People on staff are still riled up over things like people leaving, vacation requests and who is going when.  Since I need to hang on to my vacation, I don't really have any issues.  My boss is taking a week fairly soon, but he often does.  Not really a problem for me.   I've started to remember that I like my job, and feeling better is probably part of that.

I definitely have PMS though, I was very bad and got up and raided the kitchen baking supplies and ate some chocolate chips.   I'll have to speak to my daughter about putting those where I won't know their location.  Luckily, in my 1 AM bad eating decision, I melted them over some dried fruit, so at least they won't cause a total digestive problem.  Sigh.  I used to do things like that pre-banding.  I need to acknowledge that I still have to change my brain, and find other things to do to relieve stress than eat.  Otherwise, the stress builds.

I've also put my scale in my bathroom cupboard.  I'll take it out again for my Sunday weighing for the Boobs Challenge.  It's boring seeing the same weight day after day, and my weight loss has slowed.  Besides, I know that part is working and I need to work on other stuff, like when I will actually go to the gym, and making time for meditation.  I can't believe I'm saying that about the scale, BTW, but its true.

OK, off to pack my lunch and snacks.   I really need to get a smaller lunch box.  Am seriously considering getting something childsize...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I confess...

I am having a less than stellar week.  There has been a lot of stress.  And I haven't been to the gym since Sunday.  I know I have been logging a lot of steps on my fitbit, but that doesn't make up for a really good half hour of exercise.  And of course I haven't done the machines.  Sigh.

If I keep being unable to leave the house at oh dark thirty, then... I will have to work out after work.

Of course, I had the day from heck on Monday.  So yesterday my stomach was so bad I thought I needed an unfill.  I called and talked to my totally awesome fill nurse who suggested I have a soft foods day considering the stress on Monday and the fact that I could, in fact, be having PMS.  (I'm perimenopausal, so its hard to tell, but I had my last period 38 days ago so... )  I think my tummy is doing better this morning - no nausea, just that tight morning feeling... I have a softish lunch and some snacks, and then by dinner I should be ready for some other foods.

I confess that I don't know, really, how to have an exercise program that works for me.  I've never done it (and no, I don't want a personal trainer.  signing up to get one is usually what makes me resign from whatever gym I belong to).   But I will figure this out.  I'm going to make appointments for myself on my calendar.  Maybe early morning just isn't reasonable right now.  I'm having so much trouble sleeping.  I don't need to be perfectionistic either.  No one said I have to do it every day.  5 days a week of a half an hour of sweating, that's all.  I can do this!

I confess that I keep running across blogs and threads where people denigrate WLS and its pissing me off, and today I wrote polite factual comments to several people who probably don't give a cr*p about reality.  But I'm tired of hearing that with a lapband you don't have to work at it.   This is work!

I confess that I am having a week where I wish no one knew about the surgery.  Even the supportive people. Maybe I am having PMS.  I'm grouchy!

I confess that certain people at my office are annoying me, and I'm dragging my feet about going to work because of it.  I was late yesterday.

I confess that now, since its time to shower, dress, and go to work, I suddenly want to go to the gym.

ok I'm done now.  Time for a shower.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Monday Morning

Having decided that I wasn't going to the gym this morning (V is here, and also my legs hurt from the weekend's workouts!) I woke up at 5:30 without any alarm. Good to know this regimen has a chance of success.

I had a good weekend.  Saturday I went to the rec center and got a workout machine orientation (that lasted an hour and a half) and then walked my mile. Then home for a shower and a quick lunch and off to get a massage.  Sunday I was pretty achey and tired, but eventually I got up and worked out, did laundry, grocery shopping, and made a trip to storage to retrieve some clothes I hadn't thought I'd need yet, but I do.

Going through the boxes was very rewarding and I believe I have some work pants that will fit. (Prior to the storage run I had one pair I was still willing to wear to work in the summer.)  Plus I have the size 20 pants suits that should fit this fall.  This is very exciting;  I got them at ARC with labels still on them for $7 and $9 respectively.  They didn't fit but I couldn't leave them behind.  I was in WW at the time and I never got to wear the pants - I used to wear the jackets occasionally before I hit my pre-surg weight and couldn't move my arms in them anymore.   So I guess in a way they are a symbol of a slimmer me.... and if things keep progressing as they have been, September isn't too far a reach for them finally fitting.

I had several NSV this weekend.  For one, my daughter told me that you could see that I've lost weight.  From a 22 year old daughter, high praise indeed.  !!  And the other is that yesterday I worked out in my famous 24 hour fitness workout outfit.  I'll take a picture later this week when I wear it again.  They are a size XL.  Granted, they are spandex and stretchy, but still!!  I suddenly realized that I'm down to the weight range I was in when I did a crazy low calorie kind of Atkins.  That diet made me feel cranky and tired, and a bit weak.  But I feel healthy and strong, and I'm still that weight.  Wildness. That's one of the reasons I made the pilgrimage to storage for my boxes.

Tonight, if I can get out of work on time, I'm going to boogie down to Rose Medical and go to the support group for the second time.  Tonight is the banded support group.  I went last month and there were about 4 people there.  They were all depressing and I felt like I talked too much.  I get more support and sharing reading the blogs.  But I am trying it again.  Some face to face contact might be a good thing.  We'll see...and we'll see how work is too.  I have planned out my food so that I can have a protein bar whilst driving to this thing, which is the only way the timing will work for me.

I'm still working on my food plan.  If there's anyone following me whose doc has them on 5 -6 small meals a day, no white carbs, I'd love to compare menus and see about some new ideas...I'm working on diversifying my food to make sure I don't get bored!

Saturday, July 23, 2011


It's Saturday so that means I'm catching up with everyone else who participates in BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy! Brought to you by the one and only Drazil ! We answer a couple of questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Copy and paste and answer in your own blogs if you'd like!! ENJOY!!

1. Alright – forgive me – we’re gonna get a little personal here. I was flipping through my organizer and saw in big bright letters “ANNUAL PHYSICAL DUE” coming up soon. Then I remembered that last year my lady bits doc said that since I haven’t had a bad pap in so many years – that I don’t have to come back for another 3 years if I don’t want to.What the what? Did you guys know that?   No speculum in the vaginulum? Anywhoozle – it sounds all good but really – do any of you follow this medical rule? Do you go every three years if you’ve never had a bad pap?

I think I have been getting them every year still, I don't remember.  I go to my doc for a checkup every year around my birthday and she usually tells me what we're gonna do.  But then again, I had an abnormal after daughter #1 was born – so a little more than 20 years ago.  Also I could swear she told me after I passed my most recent age milestone that it was every 2 years now.   With all the recent medical tests I've had lately I don't remember....

2. If you read, what are you reading right now? Or how about what is your fave music right now?

I read all the time.  Srsly.  I just finished re-reading the Sharon Shinn “Mystic and Rider” books because she came out with book #5.  I am re-reading all the Kerry Greenwood “Phryne Fisher” books because I've read them all and she hasn't come out with another one yet.  And recently I decided that I need to re-read the Amelia Peabody books (Elizabeth Peters) in order because the first one came out over 30 years ago and I've been reading them as they were published.  For inspiration, I've just started reading “Quantum Success” by Sandra Ann Taylor and “The Beck Diet Solution” by Judith Beck, but since they are non-fiction I read a few pages and then put it away to think about what it said.   Oh yes, and if you don't read the “Dies the Fire” series by S.M. Stirling you may not be as excited as I am that a new one is coming out this fall.  Now you are wondering - do I commute by bus, and yes I do.  LOL.

I don't listen to a ton a music these days.  I have a bunch of oldies on my iPod in case of noisy bus people.  And I have some exercise audio tapes I've been walking to but they are instrumental.  I should probably put on Pandora when I'm cleaning this weekend and see what pops up.

3. Name some of your favorite smells.

Valor Essential Oil by Young Living; Grapefruit; Cucumber Mint; Vanilla.  Oh and when cooking, the smell of the garlic and onions in the olive oil, maybe with a little fennel and some fresh basil....

4. Showers or baths? Shampoo only or shampoo & conditioner? Shave daily or just when you start feeling and looking like an ape?

Let's see – I love baths but don't particularly like the bathtub in my apartment.  And until my weight loss surgery I was having trouble scrubbing it enough to want to sit down.  I'm getting a bit more limber now so maybe I'll have a few more baths.  I have a lovely hand shower attachment with different water pressures to keep all the parts of me clean when I shower though.  I shampoo and use conditioner every day, although my hair is getting longer.... but I have been cleaning it every day for a long time, it would be weird to have it long enough that it would look good without that.   I usually shave my legs once or twice a week, usually the 2 days a week I get to see V.  He's so appreciative of such things, it makes it a pleasure...

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.

Work was very hectic – again.  New people started and some other people left to go back to school.  Also, one of the secretaries gave her notice and everyone is all crazed about it.  It's funny to watch them, torn between wanting to snub her, and ask if they have any other openings where she's going.  I'm going to miss her, I liked working with her, so I'm just a bit sad.

I got my first band fill on Wednesday – she put 6 cc in my previously empty band.  Apparently my band holds 14 cc but darn that was a strange feeling!  That was Wednesday morning.  We had a 7 AM nutrition class (mandatory before the first fill) and then the fill.  And then on to the office, oh joy, since my band doesn't like to ride in the car after a procedure.  I wasn't actually car sick but I felt pretty odd.  Most of Wednesday I didn't feel so good but by the next day I was fine.  Although it has affected my digestion and I'm waiting for that effect to... pass... LOL.  I've released more weight and I feel good about that.  More clothes are fitting now, in fact I'm hoping to get over to storage and snag some clothes boxes this weekend.

My A/C got fixed on Tuesday also so I'm starting to feel human again.  Also Thursday was 6 weeks since my surgery so I am released from all lifting pushing and pulling restrictions.  I have to go to the rec center and sign up to learn how to use those machines now.  LOL.  I'm excited about it.  I have located some of my old exercise clothes and they fit, so this is a good thing.  I'm supposed to exercise 30 minutes 5 days a week (getting the heart rate up) so we'll see what I can do.  Using the pedometer has helped me to understand that I'm more active than I thought, but I don't walk fast.  And she wants fast walking.  So we'll see.  I'm certainly excited to work on this.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Day after first filling

I just wanted to note, for those following and also myself, that the day after the band adjustment I was fine, and able to eat solid food, and felt great.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I've Been Filled....

So today at 7 AM was the first fill nutrition class and then around 8:30 AM I had my first fill.  I'm a bit achey still and have been on fluids only since the fill.   Supposedly I could have softs tonight and solids tomorrow but I think its going to be like the surgery, where I take just a little more time than other folks.  I plan to have softs tomorrow during the day and then tomorrow dinner I will try some solid food.  Unless I magically feel better tomorrow afternoon.

She gave me 6 cc's into my previously empty 14 cc band.   It's no wonder I feel a bit... wonky.  It was an odd experience.  Really a lot like having blood taken.  No where as nasty as either of my IV's.  So I'm happy with that.  I have appointments every 2 weeks for about 6 weeks for smaller fills as we adjust the band, and that will take me to my 3 month bandiversary.  Wildness.

So... as of tomorrow I am cleared for lifting.  I am cleared for massages.  I am cleared for doing the machines at the rec center.  So I have to call and make appointments!  I have a class to take on the machines, and a massage to schedule!  <evil laugh>

Meantime, I had a little less than 1/2 cup of tomato soup tonight and I'm about to sit with a heating pad on my band, which doesn't like the jostling of the car when newly filled, apparently.  I'm excited though - the "real" bandster life lies ahead.

I was explaining to a friend of mine that what the first 6 weeks did for me, weigh-wise, was just put me back to the weight that has been my weight the most often in the last 20 years.  Size 24 and about 240 pounds.   So now that the 22s are starting to fit, I'm starting to feel a little excited about that.  Before that, it was just a restoration to me-that-was...

Let the good times begin.  I shall become someone who actually GOES to the gym, not just pays for it.  LOL.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Where I have been - what's happenin'!

I really need my fill.  Wednesday, I just have to make it to Wednesday.   I'm watching my calories, experiencing bandster hell, PMS, and broken air conditioning together.  

I'm doing OK - I have gone to work all week so I have been comfortable in the middle of the day.  Of course now it is the weekend, and they have decided that our apartment AC is dead and have ordered a replacement unit.  However, no one is getting back to me with an ETA.  I'm really not currently impressed with this building management team.  I feel that this second year, they have been lacking in caring and follow through.

And of course PMS... I'm in perimenopause and so the cycle is a little erratic.  I theoretically should be OTR any day now, but these days who knows... I have been tracking my cycle on line for about 7 years.  It is erratic now.  For sure.  But I notice I'm a bit...crabby, and craving chocolate protein bars and things more.  I'm dealing with it.  I'm also really tired and not sleeping well.  Sigh.

I'm not staying full as long, so I'm working with that.  More water!  Oh I should go fill my bottle again.  I'm having more fiber and adding more veggies and fruits where I can to have more bulk with less calories but its not a fun feeling. 

On the positive side, my Quest bars arrived in the mail (I had made my own sample pack by ordering individual bars of the flavors I wanted top try).  I have tried vanilla and chocolate.  They taste good and also pack quite a wallop of fiber!  They are sticky and sweet - probably not something V would enjoy, but I'm a sweets person.

I took V out as part of his birthday month celebration last night.  We went to dinner at Chey Thuy, a place we used to go when our lives were more Boulder-based.  I brought a padded lunch bag, plastic containers, and a bunch of blue ice, and I have some leftovers, which I'm having for lunch today.  We ordered only 2 appetizers, that was our dinner.  One of them was a plate of mussels (V's favorite - he ate them all, I had a taste of one) and an order of grilled lamb that comes with rice noodles and fresh veggies.  Today's lunch for me will be some grilled lamb and probably cucumbers.  After dinner, we went to a Planetarium show over at Fiske.  Fiske Planetarium is on the CU Boulder campus, and the talks are given by grad students and sometimes professors for the most part.  We went to an hour about black holes, and it was pretty good.

The other thing that has been going on this week is that my liver biopsy came back, and it wasn't the best result I could have hoped for.  I haven't wanted to talk about it.  I saw the specialist on Tuesday, and then I had a battery of tests and never made it back to work that afternoon at all.   My impression is that the liver specialist finds it confusing that I am so healthy when the biopsy result should belong to a much sicker person.  My surgeon recommended him as one of the best around, so its not that he isn't on top of liver ailments or anything, this guy is good.   Anyway - so we are running a bunch of tests, and as long as they still show the healthy person I am, then they will get a second opinion on the biopsy.  Which doesn't involve more surgery, they have tissue left from the biopsy that was done with my banding.  They will fedex it to a different lab - one my specialist considers a "better" lab, and they will re do the test. I feel as though its going to be fine, and then I have other moments when I'm just scared. 

There's a lot else that has been occurring - last weekend, I got caught driving in a hail storm and my car and I got swamped in an enormous puddle.  I didn't know if I was going to make it through.  Then on Sunday my therapist was ill - I've been seeing her, both for my lapband journey and because of some post traumatic stress over weather driving.  So all week I've had a little trouble driving again.  Tomorrow, I should be having an EMDR session with her about what happened, and then I will feel better.  

All sorts of emotions are coming up from the past for me.  I couldn't do last week's BYOC because the questions triggered some old emotional scars and it would have been a bitter venting of stuff that I hardly ever think about.  I haven't looked at yesterday's yet - I went over to Draz's blog to see how she was doing and read about her worries about Rambo.  And then of course I felt like all my complaints were so petty!  But this morning I woke up and remembered that its not a comparison.  My journey is my journey.  And I need to blog about it, blogging is a wonderful thing for me to do.   When I have blogged, I can release it and go on with my life.  

Monday, July 11, 2011

Lap Band Gal asked:

Question for you: How do you overcome your occasional unhealthy food choices or lack of exercise behaviors?  How do you get your brain in the right place to be successful?  I want to know.

I was fascinated.  This whole month I have been eating better than in years.  Until I read her post, I would have said it was the lapband that gave me the strength to be successful.  But she has one herself, so maybe that's not it.   And its not, you know?  The lapband is one of the tools that I am using to be successful.  The lapband evened the playing field for me - I don't seem to have excess insulin triggering me to eat excess sugar anymore.  My blood sugar is normal.  My GERD is gone.  I am just an ordinary fat woman now, when it comes to my blood chemistry and such.  I can get full.  I can breathe.  I can walk the track.  I can release this weight.

"Knowledge Does Not Yield Behavior" - you aren't kidding!  Most fat people could write a diet book!  Or two....

So why am I doing all this?  That's the question, right?  Why am I not having ice cream for dinner?  Why am I having protein bars instead of candy bars?  Why am I wearing my fitbit?

I think I hit bottom, really.  I got so that my life was so painful that I can't imagine going back to living that way.   It's still very immediate and real to me, in the second month of banding.  The big jump down the scale is gone, and now it seems to be creep, creep as I wait for my first fill appointment.  I have clothes in my closet that are too small, that I want to wear again.

And then there's the rest of the question, what do you do when you've had an unhealthy behavior?  I've had some of those this month too.  It's certainly not been a perfect month.  More like a month of finding out that some things don't change for me.  If there's a piece of pie in the fridge that's going to be mine, I will still get up in the middle of the night and eat it.  I didn't eat most of the crust, but I did eat it at something like one in the morning of the night after V and I went to Village Inn and they gave us free slices of pie to go.  Next time,  he needs to take it with him, or I need to not bring it home.  

The big thing for me is not to beat myself up for eating.  not to feel like I immediately have to "confess" some sort of "sin".  That mind set will not serve me well.  The next time we were in Village Inn, though, I told V about the pie incident since he is my support system.  And it wasn't free pie day so I didn't have to figure out what to do.  It wasn't confession, it was conversation.  Owning.  Saying what I would rather have happen next time.

They do say that compulsive eating is 10% eating, 90% beating the cr*p out of yourself in internal conversation....hating yourself.  Saying things to yourself that you would never dream of saying to your best friend.  Because that's what I need to be, my own bestie, standing up for Miri no matter what she does...

I've been trying not to wonder what you use for motivation once you hit goal.  The last time I hit a GOAL (a really good weight) was so long ago, and I was probably at my goal weight for about 5 minutes.  I'm hoping that this time the improved health, the great clothes, the support of the BOOBS, the fact that I'm out here on the internet, will help me to be motivated to stay slender and healthy.  Right now, that's so far away, I can't even imagine that.  I am imagining, instead, wearing a dress that will fit me when I am 10 or 15 pounds lighter.  It's sitting in my closet and smiling at me.  I can remember wearing that dress a few years ago.  I know that feeling, and I can almost taste it.

And of course, this time around I have the Law of Attraction  on my side.  The more you think and feel it, the closer it comes.  I can do this because my mind is able to wrap around it, 10 pounds at a time.  I can use the technology to make me better, stronger, than I was before.  I can use EFT to exorcise the ghosts of my childhood, of my young adulthood, of my married life, of my mistakes.  I can use the fitbit to show myself how strong I am, and never mind all the gym classes where I didn't get picked for the team and the teacher, as well as the kids, made fun of me.  I can get full, and I can I eat my food and then stop, and think about something besides food! 

Why do I want to do it?  I want to be able to dance again, to go square-dancing for a whole night and dance every tip, not to be red in the face and whooping for breath.  I want to have great dance clothes to wear and to be able to wear a heeled shoe for the round dancing... I want to go for more walks, maybe even hikes with V.  I want to go back to Mesa Verde and go on the hiking trails, the ones neither of us dared sign up for last time.   I want to be able to perch with my hip on a table or a counter without worrying about a creaking or cracking noise... I want to be able to bring a small low beach chair (weight limit 200) !  Heck, I want to be able to put on my right sock and shoe without having to sit on the bed! 

You might ask, so, Miri, why couldn't you do these things before the magic belt?  And I will tell you, before my band, I felt like I was starving all the time.  I didn't care about anything except getting some food to take that ache away, to not be starving for 10 minutes if I was lucky.  The pain of the hunger was so bad, I didn't care.   And I couldn't get my breath, I had no energy.  I would go to work and then come home and watch TV.  Walk around, what, are you nuts? 

It was so funny - today, I went to someone's desk to fix some software.  She used that opportunity to get herself more coffee and come back to her desk with little cheesecakes or something.  I guess they were in the break room.  In the old days I would have had to go there and see if there were any left, and if there weren't, I would have had to go down to the little store for something.  Gosh, I wasn't even interested.  I was full from my breakfast and I just wanted to adjust the software and go on to the next person who was paging me.  It was wild, wild!  Oh and I wanted to walk the long way around to the next person, since it wasn't urgent and that way I could have more steps.  I wondered for a moment if I'd been replaced by an alien or a pod person, but I still seem to be me.  Only better. 

I realize I'm still in my honeymoon phase.  Gosh I hope this lasts forever.  But it probably won't, which is why I'm blogging.  When I have forgotten why I am doing this, why walking the track is better than chocolate cake,  I hope I will come back here and read my own answers.  Because I always wanted this, I just couldn't physically do it.  The band has fixed something that was wrong with me.  The stomach/brain/blood/nerve connection is different. 

I think it helps that I work to make every meal something that tastes good, even if its 2 bites big.  I'm buying things that I want - more exotic flavors of Greek yogurt, different spice blends, really delicious protein bars, flavorings for my water bottle.  Everything I eat tastes really good.   I used to eat whatever was around, even if I'd take a bite and didn't really like it.  I wouldn't eat rotten food.  But I would eat junk.  Things made out of things I can't pronounce.  And way too much food, so my tummy would hurt, because the pain of hunger would go away for a bit.

I had to laugh the other night - I got up and I chose to eat something in the middle of the night, and what I had was a bowl (small, I don't eat out of large bowls anymore) of 2% milk and Special K cereal.  Now granted, I wasn't supposed to have it, and I had to add it to my calories.   But really,  I used to eat 10 cookies and a huge bowl of ice cream.  But there isn't any.  Seriously.  Special K.  Somewhere there's a Hostess bakery screaming in pain.  And yes, I ate in the night and I didn't yell at myself about it.  Just added it to the list of things I ate that day! 

I wrap my mind around success because you folks out there in internet land have done this, have gotten on board.  The people in my doctor's office who you would never guess had a band and were fat, they have done it.  Lots of people have done it.  It's totally possible.  I wrap my mind around success, looking at the before and after pictures, knowing I am still a before, or at least a during, and panting to be an after!  

 And the last part of it for me, I guess, is that this isn't one more diet, one more gym that I am joining.  This is my life, and there isn't any failure because the journey is it.  There isn't really a destination.  Because when I'm at goal weight the journey will be about maintenance.  And about continuing to remember why.  But even when I slip and fall it won't matter because there is no blowing it.  My surgeon will never discharge me, I will be his patient for the rest of my life.  He never discharges patients.  His support groups are always free.  There is always a month with a Back to Basics class in it, and in fact I'm scheduled for my first Back to Basics in about 2 months from now.

Does this commitment to a group of people scare my Aquarian soul?  Who, me?  There's a reason I have no tattoos (and not just because I don't like how they look).  Yeah, it feels weird.  Like I've joined a new family.  Family hasn't been the greatest and most permanent word in my life.  Although now I have my sister and my kids, and they are my family.  And V and I are pretty steady, I don't worry anymore about if we will stay together.... so at 50, maybe I'm ready to be a part of this elite group of banditas.  Forever.  Or at least in this life.

Abraham says, "You can never get it wrong.  You can never get it done."   I think nowhere is that truer for me than this journey, this never ending journey from aches and pains into ability and delight. 

The real true me:

Monday Morning Ramblings

Good morning everyone!  As soon as I woke up, I knew... knew that I had been at Vince's over the weekend since my A/C is waiting for the repair guy and I didn't weight myself for the BOOBS challenge.   So I hopped right up and weighed, and emailed Gillian.  I think I'm down 0.2 since last week.  No matter.   Down is down.

Anyway, this time for me is about learning how to live with the band, not really about the challenge at all.  I'm part of it because I feel the sense of community by participating in a part of BOOBS, even though I'm not going to the get together this time. 

It's all good.   I had a quiet weekend, and I didn't walk as many steps as I'd hoped.  In face, yesterday was the first day since getting the fitbit that I walked under 6000.  Fairly impressive for this formerly sedentary gal! 

I also ate a little too much yesterday - not that I upset my band, but I had an extra snack that was calorie heavy.  This kind of makes me giggle, because yes, I had about 1795 calories yesterday.  But we are talking about the woman who used to eat a minimum of 2400 calories on a day where she had hardly walked at all.  More like 3000 calories on a usual day.   So, I'm still fine.  I still burned more calories than I ate.  And its a new week, so away we go! 

Tomorrow, well tomorrow will be stressful;  I'm seeing that specialist about the liver biopsy and I don't know what he will tell me.  Also first thing in the morning I'm having tea with a friend I haven't seen since before the surgery.  Two stressful things.  Hopefully both good stress!! 

I have made no headway on naming my band.  Although I got my fitbit so soon after my band that I'm just tempted to call them the twins.  I'm not the best at picking names for things like stuffed animals, dolls, and other inanimate objects.

I have another week (well 9 days) till my fill class and first fill.  I'm working on things.  This isn't a diet, it isn't just a plan, it's my life.  It feels different.   I am committed to my life.

I'm still amazed at how much healthier I feel than 5 weeks ago!  Woot!!

BTW I am on Twitter as MiriBanded.  If you are someone who tweets, let me know!!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

A New Month

I'm not writing much this weekend because a) the a/c is out so I have stayed at V's and b)now that I am back home there is a thunderstorm and I'm always worried about my computers.

But I just wanted to say that yesterday I had my band for a whole month, and I'm really happy.  I think it's the best thing I've done for myself so far ever in my life.

Talk to you guys later this week!!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Veggies! and Water!!!

I'm doing better today.  I realized by yesterday evening that I was still doing the soft food diet protein percentage (90%) and so I wasn't able to eat my veggies.  In fact, sometimes I was just having meat and not even trying to have veggies or fruit.  So no wonder I have been feeling totally blah.

Anyway, today I have had veggies.  and I will probably have fruit before bed.  I think it is helping with the fullness since the veggies seem to expand after they get in there... I am eating slowly and listening for the soft stop, as the fairy bandmother told me in her book. 

My calories are staying between 1200 and 1400, and according to my fitbit I am burning over 2000 every day.  I have been keeping my steps up.  Last night, after work, I had only walked 6000 steps, so I invited V to go on a walk with me before dinner.  (I gave him that choice of that, or I could go to the rec center.  He chose the walk.  Good man. )  We walked about 3000 steps, which is a kick-*$$ walk for me, let me tell you!  It was fun too, we walked in an open space park near my house. I was doing great until I saw a sign like this: 

I was fine till I saw the sign... 

No, it's not the exact sign, I didn't stop long enough to take a picture.  I saw the sign and was suddenly ready to walk at a good pace all the way back to the car.  Didn't need a rest, not me!  Of course it was bright daylight and we were talking so we probably weren't in any danger but.... yikes!   I was brought up on the east coast, where we dun keeled off all the varmints long time ago...

I love Colorado though, really.  The mountain views in particular!   I don't miss back east, just every once in a while the differences in life out here give me pause...

I didn't go to the rec center again today.  But I walked over 8000 steps so that is going to have to be good enough.  I went to the store and then I thought I was going to have to log into work, so I'm already comfortable! 

Anyway I wanted to thank y'all for the words of encouragement I got about Bandster Hell.  I think I am getting into that stage.  It's almost encouraging (when I'm not worrying about how much I feel like eating) because it means I'm healing!  But I'm just showing up and working it... 5/6 small meals, no sugar, no floury carbs, drink my water separate from my meals, walk walk walk.... very different than my life was just over a month ago.   Very very different.  Protein bars instead of Hostess when I have a craving. 

I can do this, which is so weird.  But really good.  

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Something's a bit off....need a fill maybe?

At this time - 2 weeks from today -  I will be almost to Rose Hospital for my fill class.  I'm having some problems related to being ready for that now, I think.  I can eat more food than I was expecting to.  It's disconcerting and upsetting. And I seem to still be not getting the amount of water I wish to be. Unfortunately, plain water takes nasty, I'm hungry and having trouble with the drinking/not drinking, and I want that curiously full feeling back.   Hah!  Well, you can see that I need a fill.  

On the positive side, this means that I'm healing from the surgery.  I have 2 weeks till they lift the lifting restriction, and I can start to work out... walking more and feeling better is starting to feel "normal".  I've stopping carrying 2 pounds of nebulizer everywhere I go and switched back to the emergency inhaler which is tiny and doesn't mark me as a sick person. 

Today I'm going to concentrate on getting the water I need (in between going to work and seeing V of course).  And getting more fiber.   Which I'm just not going to explain, fill in that blank for yourself! 

I'm working hard on not feeling sorry for myself.   I'm counting my blessings.  Including being grateful for being a daily weigher, or I would have missed the 2 days this week that I had lost 20 pounds.  This time last week I was .4 less than I am now, so if I were a Wednesday weigher I wouldn't understand what was happening.   I'm still feeling bummed.  But some of it is just that I haven't been drinking water.  And I feel so good compared to a month ago!  This is not a time to give up, go back to old habits, this is a time to push forward and know it takes patience.  Anything else is just some inner gremlin trying to have his way with me.   So here I am, drinking my water and having my breakfast shake and then I'm going to go and pack my food for work.  Life is excellent, and if I don't realize it, I'll have to make myself carry the nebulizer - maybe even stop to use it - just to remind me, for goodness sake!

Inner Gremlin

Just needed a small pep talk.  It's been so much fun to be in that honeymoon phase, to have the weight just fall off like that, to feel like the world was mine.  It will be again.  I have to remember that the doctor's office has only registered a 13 pound loss and that all they asked is that I try and keep that off before my first fill.  And they thought I was doing fine.  So.... all else is just smoke and mirrors, my girl. 

I'm going to get out there and do my day now. 

Monday, July 4, 2011

Deciding things for myself

So the dietician for my doc's practice is totally against protein shakes once you have started solid foods.  I have to say,  sometimes one has to decide things for oneself.  

What I have discovered for me, is that first thing in the morning is a great time for protein shake.  I awake, and my band is tight.  I am supposed to have something within the first hour of awakening.  When I wake up, I'm usually dehydrated.  I have a horrible taste in my mouth many mornings from the Lunesta, and a dry mouth from the post nasal drip (allergies!).  The last thing I want to do is try and eat something and then not be able to drink anything for an hour.  And, in fact, I can tell you that the days I try and eat a breakfast are the days I don't make my water intake. If I don't get that first 24 ounces in, I usually get less than 48 ounces for the day.

When I have a shake for breakfast - 8 to 12 ounces of almond milk, and a scoop of 100% Gold Whey - I not only get a jump on my liquids, I don't have trouble getting to my protein goals either.  And I'm not nauseous by the time I'm done.   I drink a 24 ounce bottle of water also, as I get ready for my day, and sometimes I have a hot decaf tea first, and I don't have to worry about  the timing of the liquids and meals while I'm also trying to get out the door to work.    I don't find that I get hungry too soon, either.  I usually feel a pinch of hunger at work around 9:30, which is great because it reminds me to stop drinking my water so that I can have my scheduled morning snack at 10 AM (I'm on the 5 to 6 small meals plan). 

I know, some people may be wondering why I'm writing my justifications into my blog.  It's because I'm someone who follows the rules.  And because I have a lot of respect for my dietician, and so it has been hard to do something she told me specifically NOT to do.  This is one of those difficult growth things for me, and however humorous my other posts, this one is very serious.  It's hard for me to do something for myself like this. 

I suspect that I am not the only one on this journey who has trouble breaking out there and doing for herself.  And I reserve the right to change my mind if this changes for me.  But for now I have ordered more protein powder from Amazon, and let them give me the discount that comes with the automatic refill orders. 

The first day I decided to go back to a shake in the morning I got 92 ounces of water in for the first time since starting to eat food, even soft foods.  And yesterday - when the strawberries J had bought tempted me, and so I had Greek yogurt and strawberries for my 7 AM, I got less than 48 for the day.  Again.  Sigh.

I could justify it and tell you that I can see that eggface often has a shake first thing, and it doesn't seem to hurt her... but I think this really is something that I have to own myself, and so I am.

More steps on the journey away from codependency...

Sunday, July 3, 2011

3 weeks' change

I put these two pictures together and sent them to my primary care doc, so I thought I'd post them here.  The one in red is from the night before surgery.  The other one is from the night last week that V and I went out to dinner.   About 3 weeks between the pictures, folks...


It's time for BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!  A few questions we answer in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break.

My blogging brain must have needed a break because between blogger being mean earlier in the week and my life being busy/crazy, I haven't blogged since about Thursday... anyway I'm on day 4 of having the fitbit and we are proving just how sedentary my Sundays are. The other 3 days I racked up awesome numbers in the thousands of steps and today, its almost 3 PM and I have not yet hit 1000. Sigh. And I don't feel so great. My water intake isn't good either. I can tell that I will have to get up and go to the rec center soon, and get my butt in gear!

Anyway … on to BYOC.

1. Let's stick with the pictures/exercise and shoe topic and post a picture of (or describe) your work out shoes.

Ok... well for some reason I immediately wanted to post a picture of a pair of high heels I bought but can't even walk in yet.... 

I work out in a pair of New Balance sneakers that my doctor made me get after my horrifying foot injury and ankle surgery last year. They are great sneakers and I love them!

2. Again with the summer/hot theme of the week....what does your current swimsuit look like?
Bearing in mind that I am in my first month post surgery, I have a size 24 black one piece from Wal-mart that I should be able to fit into again now that I have lost 20 pounds...

3. Do you lay out, fake bake, sunless spray tan or use tanning lotion?
Nope. Haven't done any fake stuff since high school (and today we won't actually say how many dinosaurs were still alive when that happened). I tend to stay out of the sun these days – because I live at a much higher altitude than I was raised, and so I seem to burn much, much easier.

4. Describe your week in blogland and in real life.

In blogland, my blog posts would erase themselves or not post. Except after I posted Thursdays, then Tuesdays magically reappeared after Thursday. So I am actually writing this post offline and then I plan to cut and past it into blogger just in case.

In my life, things got easier. I worked a whole week of work, went to a lapband support group, and stopped needing to take Tylenol all the time. I transitioned to solid food and starting timing when to have my water. I changed food logging websites (again!) in preparation for getting a fitbit, researched madly to make sure I wanted one, and went out and got one for myself.

And I actually WENT to the rec center instead of talking about it, which was amazing, and because I did so, the universe gave me a gift. The first day I wore my fitbit, when I got to the end of the work day I was about 7000 steps (and of course they want you to try for 10000). So honestly, if you can believe this (because I don't usually exercise in the evening), I got in my car, and went to the rec center, paid for my resident ID ($5) , and walked the track. So then I went back to the desk to check out, and was going to buy a 20 visit pass ($64) . I figured at the end of 20 visits I would know if I should buy a 6 month pass ($175). So the woman at the front desk tells me that today (it was July 1st) they are offered pro-rated summer memberships and that as an adult resident I could have July and August for $54, which was $10 less than I was going to pay for the 20 visit pass (and if I go every day, that's 60 visits... ) So I have a summer membership!

It was pretty exciting. I have to go again today. And they are even open for a little while on the 4th.

So that was cool. Oh and I have lost 20 pounds now, which is rockin awesome. In just about a month since my weigh in at the doc was about a week before my surgery.

It's been a pretty amazing week, actually. 

ok, off to get ready for the rec center !  (And now no one who knows me will believe its me in here... )

Friday, July 1, 2011


What a week!  I'm looking forward to BYOC from Drazil.  I'm looking forward to a 3 day weekend.   My boss will be off on Tuesday so that day could be a little wild, but I can prepare for it.

It's been a great week, I've been changing fast.  New ideas, new realizations.  It's all good.  Never would have thought I would (a) spend the money on myself for a fitbit and (b) be so excited about it. Pre-surgery, my intention was to buy a Kindle and a new desktop machine.  Now I've got the fitbit, and I'm looking at either an android or an iPhone so I can track my food more easily.  LOL. 

Oh I joined Facebook, please friend me as Miri Bandy.  Also I'm on Twitter as MiriBanded if you'd like to connect that way. 

I'm working on being more active, and getting all my water in.  Since I went to solids and now have to wait with the liquids it got harder!  However, since I keep waking up so early I thought I would start by drinking 24 oz today before I need to have my 7 AM breakfast.  It's 6:38 AM now and I'm almost through it. 

I wore the fitbit while I slept last night, set on sensitive. I'm going to try normal tonight... I had a very restless night.  My little buddy reported this:
  • You went to bed at 9:19PM
  • Time to fall asleep 21min
  • Times awakened 10
  • You were in bed for 7hrs 45min
  • Actual sleep time 4hrs 43min

Even though my night was so restless, I was surprised that it said I was up for a whole hour at 2 AM.  So we'll see.   

Have a great day everyone!!